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2009 | |
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Previously | |
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| May 10 | I'll tell you the weirdest thing is the circle my mind goes in and the circle of emotions. It's bizarre, I go from feeling like the strongest smartest person I know to the most freaked out crazy loonatick I've ever seen. But I must say I have been paying attention to the sensations in my body. Maybe I will go see the Star Trek movie. my new phrase is, "There's worser things" |
| Sunday | Here is what my brother wrote to me last. Quote Ahhh, you're coming out of shock. This is what you have: a blanket of pain and a tendency to turn it against yourself, with double intensity: The first level of intensity is "I'm feeling sorry for myself," and the second level of intensity is, "I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself." I would go another direction: I'm really in severe pain, and I'm your friend. I'm your mother now, and I'm also caring for Sam. I can feel the emotional pain in my body and it really hurts! I can feel other sensations in my body, too! Thank God I'm alive! Now, lift the blanket and see how everybody is under a blanket of pain, and that it's all connected into one. This is your opportunity to reach out to other people, especially people outside your family. This is your chance to leave home psychologically. Try to understand how important that is, for an adult to leave home psychologically. You're not searching for a mother; you're searching for yourself, and you have to reach inside yourself using the language of sensation, and tell yourself, I am your friend! I'll take you to a movie. I'll give you a treat! I'll just zone out. I'll just be myself! P.S., Mothers' Day sucks! What you have is your attention, your breath, your inner spark, and gestures towards having a nice life, which is anything you decide! And don't fall under the influence of idiots! This is a good time to make friends who aren't in your family. end of Richard's quote |
| Sat. | Remember the book, "Are You My Mother?" by P.D. Eastman? I feel like the little bird. If you don't know the story, bird hatches from his egg while momma bird is out hunting for worms. Little bird goes on a hunt for his mother, every animal he meets, he says, "Are you my mother?" He asks a cow, a dog, and even a bulldozer. In the end he finds his mother when the bulldozer puts him back in his nest, right as mama bird is flying home with his first dinner. Well for the past week and two days, I've been on the roller coaster of grief. and I emailed a music teacher I hardly knew to tell him. (He was like a father figure to me, and I'm going to see him, so I wanted him to know ahead of time, so I wouldn't burst into tears when I saw him) it turns out his daughter died earlier this month. I felt like such and idiot. Like get over yourself girl quit acting so odd. And I just got off the phone from a friend I haven't seen in 14 years. I called her to tell her. She said, "what can I do for you?" well, I don't know. I just needed her to know, like sympathy is going to make my heart heal. (?) I'm acting strangely I think. and then I remembered the book about the bird. I guess I'm acting like a three year old who is looking for her mother, like if the right person knows about my situation, then all of the sudden I'll be ok. Nobody is going to be able to fill this hole in the middle of my pretty good life (song lyrics)
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May 9 9:32 pm |
Well, I've entered into an new chapter of my life. The Old Widow Phillips chapter. and I'm waiting to see what the next chapter is. Mr. Phillips, the love of my life has left the planet. and I miss him. He died on April 30th, 2009. |