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I've wanted to share some stories for a long time. Recently, with my broken wrist, I've had time to watch a lot of HBO comedy. I'm not one of these people who pretends to not watch much TV. I'll admit it right off the bat, even to a room full of career women. I'm not embarrassed by being myself. I don't just have the tv on all day. I have every tv in the house, and the garage, and the shop, on all day long. Not necessarily on the same channels. Sometimes I wish I could have a little receiver implanted into my brain so I could listen to tv even while I'm not near one. Why don't they have tv on radios? I'd love to hear the end of that interview that Katie Courrac started when I'm driving my kid to school.

Comedians, so I want to do stand up. only, I might not be funny. Lots of Comedians are black, or gay. Sadly, I'm not gay, or black. But they have great material. I know there are some hilarious comedians who aren't either. Robin Williams, George Carlin, Rosanne Barr, I guess they are heterosexual. I've been analyzing all the acts I've seen to nail down what works. The best thing I like is when they pull back in something funny from the beginning of their acts all through the show. Each time the audience laughs harder. broken wrist. But the bottom line is most comics are smart as hell people. not embarrassed being myself. And they are funny too. wannabe comedian , broken wrist.

Now their is a difference between not being embarrassed by being yourself and being shy. The day after I broke my wrist I thought Aha! I'll work on my routine over the next 8 weeks. I got a tape recorder and sat on the porch. My porch. is very near the neighbors porch. I kept looking over there. I couldn't bring myself to yap into a recorder all by myself. They might hear me, think I'm nuts. I went inside. sat down. too dark and gloomy, need fresh air and sunshine to be funny. back outside, neighbors. Now mind you I'm pretty well dosed up on pain meds. broken wrist. After about an hour of going inside , outside, inside, outside, I finally sat inside with every lamp in the house next to me, blew a fuse. I filled a tape. I figured if I have what it takes to do stand up, I have to fill this tape without hitting pause, and most of it needs to make me laugh when I hear it. That was 8 weeks ago. I haven't listened to it yet because I'm not ready to abandon all hope. wannabe.

I figured this would be a really safe place to practice my routine, because it's a public space, but as far as I know, no one has ever read a single page of the Toon Room. I read the web logs each week. So if by an accident some one stumbles in here and they don't like it, they'll just leave. hecklers. That's a true test of comedy. If you've gotten good enough to deflect heckles, you've got a long way to go.

CATS. ANTS. So I'm feeding my 2 cats. Where to begin? Used to be 3 cats. Everyone who owns cats knows that they sometimes run away from home when you move. None of them did that this last move. Now that I've been here a year, one of them has gone on vacation. I know just how it happened. Miss Kitty and Elizabeth, well, mostly Elizabeth hates Wild Kitty. Every time Wild kitty sees Elizabeth she immediately assesses how hungry she is compared to how much she wants to avoid any unpleasantness from her rather psycho bitch sister. Elizabeth is really a little snoot. But she has this long beautiful coat, a cute little meow, short and high. You only see her occasionally and when you do she comes near you with her tail up waiting for a rub. So you have to like a cat like that right? Bitch. What is a female cat called? a Kitch? and neutered, a nitched kitch. That Knit Kitch! Anyway. food. Cats. Wild Kitty hasn't shown up in a long time.

See the time thing going on here? I haven't started packing yet for the beach. Going to be there for 30 days.

Guilt, oh my God, You know guilt is wonderful! I love guilt. I have to. I feel it so often, and hay I'm having a Great life. I love my life, so I must love guilt.

Time thing, it's there so you know what time on Tuesday it is.

It's a guilt thing. I'll have to tell you about the guilt thing.

So the casts just informed me that it was time to refill their bowls. They eat out on the porch, up on top of a built in cabinet. Top of it is red tile like the floor. I know there was something interesting out there because when I thought of it I said, see along with the tv in my brain, I could have a tape recorder to tape when I see something to talk about.

Ants, there were ants all over their table yesterday. Everywhere!. I had to spray them with poison! Poor ants! Hate them. I didn't want to be too much like a military warrior.

Can you imagine being out in the jungle with bombs dropping all around you, your best friend's leg blown off and a bullet through your palm, from your buddies' gun going off as he was thrown back from the grenade that that blew his left leg off. If you can't imagine that at all, you need to read the book Fly Boys by James Bradley or see the movie Band of Brothers. I know every body out there saw Saving Private Ryan. So you should be able to imagine these scenes. The first thing you think of when you imagine such a scene is, I can't even imagine. But you just did, you just want to imagine your brain right out of that story because it's too unbearable. Then you imagine your self right back in the room. You think your in..............................

I have to take lots of breaks from my arduous tasks or "chores" as we "home makers" call them. Next time you are at work and your boss comes in, cut her off by saying, "well, I've got to get back to my chores."

Reason for the breaks, frequent breaks, is brake in my arm. My brother told me I could tell people when they asked about my wrist, that I got these holes in my arm from defending off cupid's silver arrows. You know if you get hit by cupid's silver arrow, you hate the next person you see. So that's what happened, I was keeping the silver arrow from my heart by shielding it with my arm. I let him hit me in the heart with a golden arrow when I met my husband. Gold arrows love. Silver hate.

So reason for my breaks, because Of the break in my wrist , from the silver arrows, I have lots and lots of pain. Pain sucks. I can't imagine how those soldiers in WWII made it through it all. Now, when you are in the hospital with a fresh new injury that's causing a lot of pain, be very careful how you choose to talk. Because if you say the wrong thing, ......you definitely don't want to start talking about how much you and your husband love watching prison, drug movies, on account of the fact that your husband used to run a drug treatment program in a prison, hence the interest in the drug criminal type of scenario. (already you've said 7 of the do not use in the ER words) Drugs, criminal, prison, and the other 4. So don't say that, especially don't mention that the, .........not oxi cotton, what's that drug that works? Cause morphine aint it. Doesn't touch the pain and just gets you high, but not a good high and you still feel the pain, your just too stupid to ask for something better. It's the shut up drug. They give it to you so you'll quit saying it still hurts a lot. You still feel the pain, you just can't do anything about it. The drug they gave me was called, not oxi, see they don't want you to have the pain go away, because if they do you won't fully appreciate what they are doing for you. I guess, I honestly don't know why a doctor would prefer for you to stay in pain, Power! Ok so it's called, see they even give a name to it that you can't remember so you can't even tell them what works for you.

But that's a sure fire kiss of death, if you say, Delaudid works they won't give it to you. Delaudid, the one that they stole in Drugstore Cowboy. Don't talk about that movie or mention that delaudid drug name subliminally delaudid throw it in the conversation so they think they thought of it delaudid. Which is the one drug that actually took the pain away for a while. THE only one that took the pain away. After it wore off they gave me more morphine, didn't touch the pain, bad high. Delaudid, good high. Any high that takes away pain = good high.

Now my husband, who doesn't touch drugs or alcohol cringes when he hears me say those words together, morphine, bad high. By all of his accounts I'm a real abuser of alcohol. When we first got married, I was on the couch one night watching tv, love tv remember, He was standing next to the fire place. He looked at a 1/2 full red wine glass, and asked me, Why is this here? It's not in my arm's reach. It's mine don't touch it I'm drinking it. Looks at me, looks at drink, looks at me with puzzled face. That is alcohol abuse to him. He refuses to admit I'm an alcoholic. I know from listening to him for so may years talk about addiction that he's in denial.

But the cats, and delaudid. Those bitches or kitches, knew that delaudid would work, that's why they wouldn't give me anymore. They just wanted me to know they had the power to give and the power to take away. I don't ever want to be in the position where I can actually benefit from my previous ER mistakes, by not repeating them.

The long and short of it is this, don't talk about drug store cowboy or delaudid to the nurses, physicians, or staff personnel at the ER.

So when I was trying to feed the cats. And Wild kitty has found a new home. Somebody thought she was a wild kitty and started feeding her canned cat food. I'm sure of it. Someone with no other cats. I miss her.

There were ants all over the counter top. hundreds of them In the food bowls. Such a waist. I had to dump out all the food in the garbage. Spray the table with poison. I used organic for the top of the table. I thought it would be a kinder way to murder the ants. I used the real stuff on the perimeter along the floor and wall around the table. I started thinking about those poor boys from Band of brothers and imagining that the ants were really young boys at war and I had the napalm can. I felt so bad for them, only having that morphine and no delaudid for the pain. When I first started spraying some of them could still run with a coating of the all organic spray on them. If you read Fly Boys he gives an extremely vivid account from a Japanese woman's point of view of the fire bombing on Japan before Hiroshima happened. I can't imagine it. She described the burning people's last sounds were exactly like the sound of frogs croaking in ponds, and to this day she can't stand the sound of frogs because it brings her back to that night mare. I can't imagine. So These ants were just like that, But the ones that could still run didn't get away to be able to tell it to a reporter 60 years later I wiped them up with a rag and crushed them. No witnesses. That's how I feel killing ants, like a warrior. I just hate that the ant's didn't have delaudid for their last remaining moments of life when they had both of their legs blown off. The guy with his palm blown out, remember him? He could get by with morphine, and I know the ants had morphine.